I have no time left to think of a fitting title BUT I BLOGGED! Winning!!!

This morning is a typical scene. I escape to my bedroom, desperate for a few minutes of peaceful space. I lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling, doing absolutely nothing. (Bliss.) At some point I realize that [magically] I haven't been interrupted for the last ten minutes. I also realize that my brain is exploding with things to write. So I decide that maybe, just maybe, I have a window to actually get some things out of my brain. So I find the computer, settle into my couch, and open Word to start typing. I write about three fourths of one sentence. And instantly, multiple people appear in my bedroom, talking to me, climbing on me, needing me. It was perfectly peaceful, until I actually decided to try and accomplish something (besides laying on my bed). EVERY TIME.

Actually, even though I said this is a "typical scene," it's really not. What is typical is this dilemma. Every day I have all these words and feelings and mish-mash floating around in my head. Every day I escape to my bedroom and consider trying to get it all out. But I don't actually get my computer and sit down and write three fourths of a sentence. Nope. Pretty much every day, I decide it's hopeless, and too hard, and I give up without even trying. 

I genuinely wish that I could change the way my brain is wired up so I could do [at least] two things at once without feeling stressed, overwhelmed, angry. I wish that I could accomplish any tasks at all, from start to finish, while still mothering. I don't wish that my life was different, or easier, or better. I just wish that my brain worked differently, so that I could better navigate the full and good life that I have - because instead of full and good, too often it just feels overwhelming and hard. (Which also makes me feel guilty...which is for another post altogether.)

A specific piece of the overwhelming pie that I'm thinking about this morning: Why, oh why would God give me my last two kiddos so close in age? (Back story: Levi's timing was planned by us. Juniper's was totally NOT.) Why, when He KNOWS I am not cut out for this unique brand of all-consuming, non-stop multitasking? Even I knew that about myself beforehand. Surely God was aware too.  If it were an area of growth...I could conceptualize that. Giving me something He knows is challenging, so I have opportunities to grow - that's Discipleship 101. That I get. (Not talking traumatic here...that's a different category. Just ordinarily challenging.)

But this doesn't feel like that. My basic brain-wiring is not something I can grow out of. I genuinely think that relational multi-tasking is something I will never, ever be good at. I doubt I will ever be able to easily process two or more people talking to me, reaching for me, needing me simultaneously. I might learn how not to give in to my anxiety and overwhelmed-ness, but I don't think I'll ever "figure it out." So why did God set up my family this way?

And furthermore, why would He choose to put that before me, when ultimately it's not me, but my kids, who will pay the price for my limitations here? The stakes feel too high and totally unfair. It's my children, and not me, who will suffer for my perpetual stress, overwhelmedness, tiredness, and withdrawal. Seriously...why???

This is not an angsty, complaining WHY ME. [I am so grateful for my family.] Just a serious, honest question: Why? Why did he choose to surprise us with Juniper so soon after Levi, knowing how I am wired, and knowing the impact of that wiring on my parenting abilities? I know that many, MANY families intentionally space their babies around two years apart (or less). In our culture that's a really normal age gap between siblings. But for me, it is SO INTENSE. I much preferred the 3.5 year gap between my first two. I also love the 5.5 year gap between my oldest and youngest. But I have been totally tsunamied by the 2 year gap between middle and last. 

I am sure that there will come a time when I really enjoy it. Like, for example, when I finally have a PreK-er and a 1st grader, and they are ALL OUT OF THE HOUSE. I'm sure I will enjoy it then. Or, when they're close enough in age to really be playmates, or someday even share friends. I know that in the school-aged era of our family, it will probably have more pros than cons. But that's then. THIS IS NOW. And right now, having a 2-year-old and a baby is just way too much, all of the time.

And please don't tell me to just relax, to enjoy every minute, because it goes so fast. Because I know that. Oh man, do I know that - and that, actually, is exactly WHY I struggle so much having them be so close in age. Because I truly, deeply, intensely WANT to enjoy each one of them, at each stage, at each unique moment in time that will never come again. Nate actually teases me for how often I say that - this moment will never happen again. I need to ENJOY IT!! 

But with both of them being so intensely needy at the same time, it feels nearly impossible to enjoy them in the ways I want to. Those magical moments when I am looking at one of them, marveling at some wonderful, unmatchable, unrepeatable thing about them right now - that's the moment when the other one starts crying or falls off a chair or dumps their cereal on the floor. I am all about enjoying and soaking up. But in this chaos, I simply can't. At least, not in the way I long to.

I'm not sure how to end this because there's no resolution to this. However, the one thing that I can come back to, is that my kids, my family, the way God has organized our life, is not all about me. It was not designed with ME at the center. (This is actually quite a freeing thought when I let myself ruminate on it.) Though it's my nature to process things in an exceedingly self-absorbed way, that's not God's perspective. At all. It's actually about showing the world something about HIS love, something that couldn't be seen any other way, through any other arrangement. That...I can understand. 

And I can also understand that He has all kinds of other reasons and purposes that I couldn't possibly see yet. I pray that He gives me the gift of seeing some of those reasons along the way, even if it's not now. I can trust that even if I don't get it. And actually when I calm down, I can already see glimpses of some of those reasons. 

But today...I'm just focusing on the WHY and I don't want to think about that stuff, because I know the questioning process needs its own moment.

I don't get it. Maybe I'll never fully get it. I guess that's okay. No resolution today. Just questions. Writing it out though...that's a good thing. I got to write today. In spite of lots of crying and cooking and vacuuming going on outside my door. My parents are here, so I got to write.  Parenting: 1,000,367.  Debra: 1.