look mom! no hands!

I miss blogging.

I have so many posts, complete with pictures, that I've written in my head over the past 8 weeks since Levi was born. Unfortunately, it takes two hands to (efficiently) create a post, and most of the time, I find I cannot meet that minimum requirement. It would sure be handy (oh you know I punned that on purpose) to be an Octo-Mom with [at least] eight limbs. Then I could nurse Levi, acquire princess-fairy-godmother accoutrements for Annabel, work the remote control, eat tortilla chips, and type blog posts all at the same time. But for now, two's all I've got, so usually the first two items on that list are all (or sometimes more than all) I can accomplish. This is even taking into account a generous amount of "Go ask Papa to help you with that."

And man, I miss it. Blogging, emailing, sewing, ...any and everything I used to do when I had two hands free at the same time.

Right now, the only reason I'm sitting here is because Annabel is watching a movie in her room and Levi is upstairs in the swing, being supervised by my dad. I expect to have about 8.5 minutes before one of the two needs my attention.

I guess this is the reality of two kids, right? When I had Annabel, the day-to-day felt infinitely more exhausting and complicated than life without her (even though I would never have sent her back). Life sans-child seemed far easier, simpler, and more peaceful as I remembered it.

Now, at the birth of my second child, I find that it's life with one baby that I'm remembering as remarkably easier, simpler, and more peaceful. I think about having only one baby to wrangle and I think, "No sweat. What could I have possibly been complaining about, with a two-on-one caregiver to child ratio?" ...And yet I know that, when Annabel first arrived, that one-child life felt just as overwhelming as this two-kiddos life feels right now. And that's because last time, I was comparing life with one child to life with none. And now, I'm comparing life with two children to life with one. And no matter what way you slice it, both transitions have been equally hard. Just different. VERY different.

When Annabel was born, I had changed about 1.5 diapers in my life. I had never breastfed, or comforted a baby, or used a car seat. I had virtually no baby exposure prior to her birth. ALL of it was brand new, not to mention the whole identity-renovation of becoming a mom and the radical redefinition of our marital relationship to include the joint care of this tiny, helpless, and profoundly needy person. That transition rocked my world and I don't think I fully recovered until, oh, maybe a few months before Levi arrived. (God's good timing, I guess.) No matter how much I loved my daughter, and despite the fact that I had always wanted to be a mom, finding my groove as a mama of one was a long and conflicted process. But, this past August or so, I finally felt like I'd kind-of-sort-of found it. I finally found myself enjoying motherhood more than I ever had, and more in the way I'd wanted to all along.

Then came Levi. Aaaand the process has started all over again. Just like Annabel, I can barely contain my love for him, my protective instincts, the joy that wells just from looking at him. And yet, this being a mom-of-two thing feels like the hardest thing I've ever done. Bar none. There's suddenly twice as many needs to be responsible for, twice as many cries to respond to, twice as many needs for my two hands (and arms, and legs, and attention, and focus, and emotional energy, and and and....).

And no matter how much of a groove I thought I'd found being Mommy to one, it just doesn't cut it with two. Those margins I worked so hard to find (margins that allow for things like blogging, sewing, keeping in touch with friends) have suddenly disappeared again. And I'm back to the drawing board, figuring out how to make all of the things in my life find their places again.

But, just like I was after Annabel, I am determined to do it - to figure out how to make room for the things that are important to me, the things I feel compelled to do. Momming definitely is coming first, and it's taking more time, energy, and just more of me than it ever has. That's okay. I think "me" just has to expand to make room. Somehow. (And hopefully not in the physical sense, since I am definitely hoping to go the opposite direction in that department.)