God is good. And Nate's trips are good too.

God is good. Really, really good. To me.
And Nate's trips are good, too. For everyone in our family.

In the first couple years of my marriage, I had a crippling fear of Nate dying. I know for a fact I'm not the only spouse who has struggled with this.

Before Nate swooped in and convinced me to marry him (and that really is what happened), I was feeling pretty optimistic about my singleness. I was looking forward to grad school, adulthood, and continuing to figure out who Debra was - on my own. I assumed I'd get married in my late twenties after several years of singleness, during which time I'd grow in my independence and self-sufficiency. I knew there were some growing edges for me in becoming an "adult," and I looked forward to working on those as I navigated the next phase of my life - alone.

Well, that's not what happened. Instead of heading straight to grad school in the fall after college, I got married. (I was single when I graduated. That's a three month courtship/engagement, for those who are counting.) So in a way, I went straight from being under my parents' care to being teamed up with Nate. As it turned out, I never had to do life "on my own" like I imagined I would.

As a result, that season of "figuring it out on my own" never really happened for me. I mean, to some extent that happened in college, but I went to a smallish Christian college where I had fantastic roommates and an awesome community of friends and mentors. I was probably the least "on my own" that I've ever been. To this day I've never had such incredible support all around me, all the time.

So, I got into the rhythm of married life with this nagging fear: what if I couldn't do it on my own? What if I really didn't have what it took to manage a normal, adult life without someone else's help?

And let me be clear: by "help" I mean regular, daily, significant involvement. Of course NONE of us were intended to be truly alone out there - God meant for us to have a supportive community to assist along the way. But I really just mean the very-involved role of a parent or a partner - someone who is intimately involved in helping your life to continue as normal, every single day.

And so, fearing that I didn't have what it takes, I developed a crippling fear of something happening to Nate. This was of course intensified after having a baby. What if something happened to him, and I was left to care for this sweet girl all on my own? Underneath my fear for Nate's safety was really a fear that I couldn't do it without him. That I don't have what it takes.

 As I became aware of my real fear, of not having what it takes to hack life on my own, I also realized that this was a lack of trust in God to take care of me and be everything I need. In one of my darker seasons of fear, I started to be scared that unless I could figure out how to start trusting God, He would have no choice but to take Nate away so that I would learn to rely on Him more than Nate. (This is bad theology by the way.) I genuinely feared this would happen.

Over time the fear subsided somewhat, but my nagging question remained. Do I have what it takes? Am I competent? Independent? Capable of taking care of myself and now two children, without major help?

So here's getting to the part where God is good, really good. He knew that I would not have peace or confidence in my heart until I got an answer to this question. And in a way, I was right in that the only way I could learn to truly trust God, as well as my own self-sufficiency, is to actually be away from Nate for awhile. And not just a phone call away, but really away. Like, in-an-African-country-for-three-weeks-with-almost-no-contact away.

Are you getting His goodness yet?

God is so good, and so wise, that He gave Nate and me a calling where not only does Nate get to do something he loves and is made for (that is: traveling regularly, teaching & discipling & building friendships with Africans), but He also gave us a calling that would allow me the opportunity - in the sweetest, NOT-death kind of form - to experience His very real, very reliable care for me. And, to find my own ability to handle life on my own, without Nate. Not that it won't be challenging and exhausting at times, but --- I can do it.

And that's why, even though it can be hard when Nate's away, it's also GOOD, in the realest sense of that word. Like the perfect Father He is, God is giving me something that's good for me, even when it's not what I would have thought I wanted.

This morning Annabel and I had a conversation about this very thing. I scolded her for using a whiny voice, and she said that she doesn't like it when I do that, and she wishes that she could just do everything that she wants to do. Like many parents before me, I tried to explain that it's part of a parent's job to not give their kids everything they want, because not everything kids want is actually good for them. Parents have to help their kids learn what's good and healthy for them. The kind of thing kids never want to hear. :D

But, we adults all know that this is true. Getting everything we want is rarely good for us. At least speaking for myself, I am pretty unreliable at knowing what's really good for me. I would never have chosen a career that had my husband traveling internationally on a regular basis. And yet, on our third trip now, I am already finding that it is probably the healthiest thing for both of us. Nate gets his traveling fix and gets to live out some of his deepest passions (he's always on a high for weeks after he gets home), and I get to discover my own competence and strength - as well as God's. And my kids get to see this too: God taking care of us while Daddy's away.

So it's hard when Nate's gone...but it's a definite win-win. And I wouldn't trade our job for anything.