But all I can say is, the first day after Nate leaves is SO hard. Sure, I miss him...but it's not the current missing him that gets me. It's the anticipation of the many many many days of missing him that lie ahead of me that makes it so hard. Obviously, if he just left for a day or two, it wouldn't be such a big deal. And it's only been ONE day. But the first day is the hardest.
And I'm afraid that people will judge me for having a hard time, because I know 18 days is nothing compared to what many people face in terms of separation, single parenthood, or even just their spouse's demanding job. I know that. And I am grateful. But that doesn't make it not hard. It's also one of my goals/resolutions/growth foci this year to be painfully HONEST, in spite of my fears about how people might judge me. So that's what I'm choosing tonight.
Things that made me cry today:
- Putting Nate's Dr. Pepper glass from yesterday into the sink
- Seeing our hanging bed that he put together so awesomely
- Annabel teasing me by saying "Daddy's sitting on the couch!" (so mean...but not as mean as it sounds...she's only four)
- Eating our pizza leftovers from yesterday afternoon
- Cutting up cauliflower
- Annabel giving me grief at bedtime (no.coping.energy.left)
- Changing the kitchen garbage
- Annabel asking to talk to Daddy on the phone and having to tell her that we couldn't...he was still on the airplane (and even after he gets off the plane...we still can't)
- Locking up the house at night
...You get the point. Any little thing has me tearing up. It's probably irrational and overblown, but this is how it was in August the day he left, too. We were in Georgia house hunting at the time, and he flew out of Atlanta. We had just found OUR house (where I'm sitting right now!!) and were on a high about it. And then he left. For three weeks. It was such a crash from super-togetherness and this hugely significant moment in our lives together, to total separateness where we were lucky to get ten minutes on the phone every couple of days.
Talk about whiplash.
It's the same this time, and I saw it coming. Going from the super-togetherness of Christmas break and fun & festive time with my parents, to total aloneness and separateness. I don't know if it's better or worse having his trips after such great times together. I do know it makes the contrast STARK.
When he went to Zambia in August and I dropped him off super early in the morning, I was a crying mess all day, until I finally went to a friend's house and was able to feel semi-normal, just being around another adult. That pleasant distraction was just enough to keep me emotionally together. It was nice not to have my kids to manage that day (they were with my parents in Minnesota).
Today wasn't any worse than that day, just different. Still lots of tears, and no distractions or plans. I must invent ways to get us out of the house. So far the kids have been pretty good on the whole. Levi is extra grumpy and Annabel has extra separation anxiety...both predictable. And so far, manageable.
The thing I'm fighting currently is the very new feeling of being ALONE in our house. This is a first. I've never been alone overnight with the kids in our new house before, and I'm still getting my bearings in the neighborhood. I'm told our street is fairly safe but it's always a bit unnerving being alone, especially in a new place, no matter how "safe" you are. I'm not a big fan of it, to be honest. Nate and I have talked about saving up to get a security system installed at some point, mostly for my peace of mind during his trips, and I'm starting to think that might be a good idea. I've done mental drills about what I would do if some scary emergency happened, and I don't like all the steps it would take to do something seemingly as simple as dialing 911. That's the downside of smartphones...simple phone calls are one of the more complicated things to do. Amen? I just want a Panic button. (There's probably an app for this that I need to find.)
Anyway, I'm just rambling now, but at least I'm rambling to the world and not inside my own head. That's good for me right now. Thank you so much for all the prayers. They're needed and appreciated.
Hi Debra - - it's Christy. I was in Proclamation with Nate when he was at Northwestern College. I just wanted you to know that there's another introverted soul out here in the universe that gets lonely easily and doesn't think it's weird or weak at all that you're tearing up over the nostalgic things you've listed above. It shows great compassion and deep love, two valuable, rare traits God has gifted to you. I think you and your family are doing great, important work, and I'm so proud of how you're following God's callings, even when it gnaws at your heart like this.
ReplyDeleteBlessings and prayers,
Christy
i think you're amazing! i think you're so brave, and i [for one] would never judge you, yes a lot of people have it worse, but that doesn't make your struggle less significant. hang in there, and many prayers going up for you. continue to keep us informed how you're doing.
ReplyDeletegrace
I know we're at very different places in our lives, but I find myself so lonely when my fiancé has to travel for work and I'm left alone. I'm also a nanny for two kids so I understand being alone with kiddos too, and what you are feeling is totally normal! You're missing part of your family unit and that can be very difficult. Some people thrive on alone time and others thrive on interaction. Just wanted to say good luck with the next two weeks, the first day IS the hardest!
ReplyDeleteI wrote a really long reply to this last night and I hit the wrong button and lost it. I was so upset because it took me forever to come up with the right words, so of course this time I'm probably going to word this all terribly. :)
ReplyDeleteI related to your post so much. You described it all perfectly. I've felt some of these things before, so I felt as though I was *feeling* all these things right along with you. Tim has traveled off and on in our marriage. He goes through periods where he travels a lot, and then, like lately, very rarely. When he was traveling all the time, I remember feeling all of these things you described. Especially how the first day, everything that reminds you of him makes you so emotional. I typically cry a lot that first day.
And yes, just because others may have it worse doesn't mean you aren't allowed to feel sad in your current situation. Stifling our feelings out of guilt never helps anyone. I love that you're brave enough to post how you're feeling! Go mama! Praying for you.