Love for A-Love

One of the things I dreamed of doing for my child[ren] before they ever came to be was to write them letters throughout their lives. I wanted to capture those stand-out moments - you parents know what I mean. Those moments when something about them or about parenthood just socks me in the stomach and I say to myself, "Wow. I never want to forget this moment." Like when I was sitting on my in-laws' couch, singing "Children of the Heavenly Father" to a crazily kicking five-months-in-utero Annabel, and feeling her tiny body slowly relax and come to peace as I sang. (A literal sock in the stomach.)

My hope is to collect these notes and give them to my child[ren] at some point in their early adulthood, when it seems like the right time. I've been writing letters to Annabel since before she was born, before I had any idea who she would be or how she would turn my whole world upside down. I've typed most of these, hoping to eventually find some sort of perfect journal to record all of the notes by hand. Sometime last year, Nate and I were perusing Half Price Books and I spotted this:

I immediately knew it was Annabel Love's journal. It could not have been more perfectly suited to her. And lucky for me, it was only $7.99. I actually have yet to start transcribing her notes into it, but I figure since she can't even read yet, I've got a few years to get it together. The important thing is to keep writing the notes every time I am struck by something significant about her or about mothering her. This morning gave me one of those moments, and I want to share it here.

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Annabel Love,

I am marveling in you this morning. I’m also marveling in getting to be your mommy. You’re sick right now, totally passed out in my bed, and every time I look at you, tears come to my eyes. While I was pregnant with you, God was lavishing me in His grace and love, and that’s a big part of how you got your name – it means Gracious and Beautiful Much-Loved One. I wanted your life to be characterized by grace and love. I wanted you to grow up with a deep confidence in how loved you are, carefree in His grace. And I hoped for that love and grace to flow through you into everyone else in your life. You were (and are) a beautiful gift of grace and love to us. I pray and already see that the life-filled little girl you are passes on that gift to others.

This morning, all you want is to be near me. You are content to sleep, just so long as when you open your eyes, you see and feel me right there. For awhile you slept with your head on my tummy, snuggled up with me, totally oblivious to whatever I was doing on the computer. You were content just to rest on me. Your tender trust and openness spoke so sweetly to my heart. I felt overwhelmed at the privilege it is to nurture you, to hold you, to be the one you seek for comfort and security in these early years of your life. It’s a gift to me to be your mother. I’ve known nothing more fulfilling than nurturing you. The sense of joy I get from loving you gives me such a vivid understanding of how much God loves you, too. He holds you even more closely to His heart than I do, and long after you’ve stopped wanting to be held by me, He will continue to hold you. My prayer is that your heart will be open to receive that tender care from Him.

I love you, my Annabel Love. I am overwhelmingly honored and grateful to have you as my little girl.

Love,

Mommy