Exhausted. Stressed. Overwhelmed.
If I could do one of those facebook analysis thingies on the words I say in a given day (you know, the ones that tell you which words have appeared the most in your status updates over the past however long), these words would be near the top of the list. I say them to describe how I'm feeling all.the.time. And I'm so, so tired of it.
I'm tired of planning my entire life around how much sleep I'll get and how much downtime and how few commitmentgs I can have while still feeling involved and connected. My brain is running a constant cost/benefit analysis as I parcel out my time, one little decision at a time. The guiding question: Do I have enough energy for this? How much time will it take? What will I get out of it? How high of a priority is it? Will I regret doing it/not doing it later on? What does _insert name here_ expect from me? How will this impact the rest of my day? Will I feel guilty if I do/don't do this? ...And on, and on, and on. It's exhausting.
And there it is, the irony of it all: it takes so.much.energy to avoid depleting my energy. Literally, it often takes more energy for me to decide whether I have what it takes to do something than it would have taken to just do the thing, whatever it might be. Even following that sentence was exhausting!
And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of wearing myself out worrying about being worn out. I don't know what it looks like, but I want to get to a place where I feel free to just live my life, moment to moment, trusting God to give me exactly the energy I need.
Those who know my full story or knew me in high school may have a deeper appreciation for why this is so hard for me. I spent five years physically requiring 12 to 14 hours of sleep per night and losing almost everything that matters to a teenager because of it. Friends, activities, school itself. I know what it is to literally not have enough energy, and I know my body has been there before, and I live in terror of returning to that state. It always feels just around the corner, just after that time-intensive commitment or that stressful transition. I do not trust my physical or emotional self - I do not trust God - to give me the resources I need for the tasks at hand.
And I am tired of living in that fear, under that shadow. I don't know what it means to get out from under it, and I don't know what that freedom looks like, but I am determined to find out. I think part of it might look like this:
This is where I'm sitting right now as I type this. On the bouldery beach of Lake Michigan, trying to soak in the sound of the crashing waves while my fingers freeze off in the 40 degree weather. (Some of us can't afford to wait for spring.) I want the refreshingly vast sound and sight of the water to sink in somewhere deep, somewhere where it fills me up and reminds me that the God who is big enough to make these endless waters is also big enough to supply my EVERY need. Including my energy. Especially my energy. I hope He is also big enough to give me the faith to believe that.
I'm tired of planning my entire life around how much sleep I'll get and how much downtime and how few commitmentgs I can have while still feeling involved and connected. My brain is running a constant cost/benefit analysis as I parcel out my time, one little decision at a time. The guiding question: Do I have enough energy for this? How much time will it take? What will I get out of it? How high of a priority is it? Will I regret doing it/not doing it later on? What does _insert name here_ expect from me? How will this impact the rest of my day? Will I feel guilty if I do/don't do this? ...And on, and on, and on. It's exhausting.
And there it is, the irony of it all: it takes so.much.energy to avoid depleting my energy. Literally, it often takes more energy for me to decide whether I have what it takes to do something than it would have taken to just do the thing, whatever it might be. Even following that sentence was exhausting!
And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of wearing myself out worrying about being worn out. I don't know what it looks like, but I want to get to a place where I feel free to just live my life, moment to moment, trusting God to give me exactly the energy I need.
Those who know my full story or knew me in high school may have a deeper appreciation for why this is so hard for me. I spent five years physically requiring 12 to 14 hours of sleep per night and losing almost everything that matters to a teenager because of it. Friends, activities, school itself. I know what it is to literally not have enough energy, and I know my body has been there before, and I live in terror of returning to that state. It always feels just around the corner, just after that time-intensive commitment or that stressful transition. I do not trust my physical or emotional self - I do not trust God - to give me the resources I need for the tasks at hand.
And I am tired of living in that fear, under that shadow. I don't know what it means to get out from under it, and I don't know what that freedom looks like, but I am determined to find out. I think part of it might look like this:
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