some thoughts on blogging

This is a sort of chewed-up, digested, and edited reformulation of a journal entry that I just wrote.
I've had a lot of mixed feelings about blogging lately. For those of you that were college friends, you probably remember that my xanga site was a huge part of my life. I was so in the habit of sharing via xanga that every time I would have some interesting or notable experience during the day, I would immediately begin putting it into words in my head, working it into a shareable form to post later. I was completely thoughtless about how others might perceive me based on what I wrote. I simply did it for the joy of it, and because I liked the way it made me feel more connected to my community. I loved reading my friends' xanga sites for the same reasons.

In the five years since then, I think I've lost some of the innocent, naive thoughtlessness about my image. Which is too bad. I find that I spend a lot more time now considering how my writing might influence people's perceptions of me. I actually visualize scenarios of people in my head criticizing things I write and how I would explain or defend it to them. It's really neurotic. I don't recommend it.

I believe this shift has much more to do with my own insecurities and criticism of myself than anyone else's, real or imagined. In reality, nobody cares as much about what I'm writing or processing as I do. This is true for all of us. No one spends as much time thinking about us as we do. We just imagine they do, because in one sense we can't help it; we're innately self-centered. So what I am trying to acknowledge is that I really have only myself to be afraid of. (My heart is pounding with anxiety even as I write this.)

One of the specific insecurities I have had about blogging is the fact that I am a highly spiritual person, and I know that some of what I share (or a lot of it) comes off as highly spiritualized - because it is. I really do process my day-to-day life in a highly spiritualized manner, what some people could consider over-spiritualized. My fear is that some people will read my blog and roll their eyes at this, writing me off as being in the clouds, not grounded in the many painful and seemingly non-spiritual aspects of life. Get back down to earth. You're being too vague and off in la-la-land for me to relate to you. These are the sort of criticisms that I rehearse in my head.

Another thing I find myself insecure about is my level of vulnerability. Though in some areas of my life I am very modest and private (my mom and sister will tell you that I wouldn't even change clothes in front of them as a little girl), in most things, especially emotional and spiritual things, I am very open. And my fear is that sometimes I may be too open, at least for others' comfort level. Again, I hear their potential criticisms in my head. Be more discerning. A public blog is not the place for those kinds of private reflections.

But ultimately what I'm acknowledging, besides the fact that it's not possible or my place to manage others' perceptions of me, is that these fears are actually all about me. I'm scared of what I'm going to think about myself. Because the truth is, there have been times when I have been the eye-roller towards others' spiritual reflections, and when I have been uncomfortable and embarrassed by others' vulnerability. I'm not proud of that, but it is the truth. I'm scared of others' judgments of me because I know firsthand how judgmental a person can be. I am aware of the possibility of sin because I myself am so sinful.

So, processing and recognizing these things makes me all the more determined to just be me - both in this blog and in my life. All I can do is be the Debra Joy that God has made me to be, which includes being highly spiritual and very vulnerable. This blog will probably be both of those things, and trying to make it otherwise would sort of defeat the purpose of having a blog in the first place. If I'm not going to honestly share myself, then I'm better off not writing. It won't make me feel connected because it won't actually be me I'm putting out there, and I doubt if God's character can shine through me as easily if I'm not being authentic to who He created me to be. And really, that's the main point of putting thoughts out into cyberspace anyway - to be His light in a dark, dark world.